The past few days have been very strange. I have a colleague at work who has been increasingly nasty to most everyone for the past couple of years. For some reason, she especially seems to have it out for me, but she snaps at everybody, is almost always in a bad mood, and is even unfriendly to visitors and customers. Most colleagues I know have complained about her among themselves, but as far as I know, no one has ever gone to our boss about it.
Last week she and I had a major fallout over something she accused me of, which turned out to have nothing to do with me. Remaining quiet, I asked her if we could go for coffee or something to talk things over in private. She refused, and instead shouted me down at the reception desk so that our entire wing could probably hear it. (Later on, several colleagues told me that they had.) That was the straw that broke the camel's back, and after years of putting up with such tirades, I decided to go to the boss. After assuring myself of the support of everyone involved, I called last Wednesday and made an appointment to see him the following day.
You can bet I was shaking in my boots, not out of fear of him, but because I had never complained to any boss about any colleague before. Up to now I have always been able to work out any misunderstandings there may have been. I'm more than willing to admit it when I'm wrong, and ask forgiveness. Several other colleagues also told me I should go to the boss, even before they knew what I had been thinking, and said they would be happy to be witnesses should the need arise.
So along I went on Thursday afternoon. I spent about half an hour in his office and told him everything that was on my mind. I saw his eyes widen a couple of times, but other than that he just let me talk and made some notes. At the start I had been quite uncertain of how he would react to what I said, since he's new and barely knows me. Thinking back, I realize I should have gone to my old boss (who recently retired) long before. With him I would have been much more sure of myself. My new boss was very friendly and open, though, and in the end I felt I had made the right decision in telling him what was going on. He said he would talk to my colleague the very next day.
The rest I only know from hearsay so far, but it appears he called her into his office and thoroughly "chewed her out" on Friday. I didn't see her that day, but the others told me that's what had happened. She was in his office for over an hour, and I would have liked to have heard what was said. I hope that it will make her think things over and change the way she's been behaving toward others and myself. Sometimes I was really ashamed of the way she treated customers, not to mention angry at being treated like a little child, and blamed for things I did not do because she was unwilling to admit her mistakes.
I must admit, part of me is glad for the way things went. However, there is a part of me that still wants to reach out to her and find out why she behaves the way she does. I know there is a hurting person down inside her who needs Jesus, and that is one of the reasons I did not report her for so long. The other was that I really have made a lot of mistakes in the past, and it took me a long time to realize that that did not mean I deserved to be treated the way she treats me. I simply lacked the self-confidence to take the proper action.
Up to now, she has turned down all my offers for a private conversation, so I don't know what else to do, except to continue to pray for her and let her know that I'm willing to talk when she's ready. Right now, though, I fear that she REALLY has it in for me and will try to make life tough for me starting next week. If she does, I'll confront her with it, and if it does not stop, I will go back to the boss. It really saddens me that things have to be that way.
I was on duty longer on Friday evening, and again today (Sunday), so I had to skip my usual swim on Friday and could not go to church today. To be honest, I did not mind missing church. At work, the only people I saw were strangers (the seminar was held by another organization that rented our conference space). Thus I didn't have to tell anyone what went on this week. I think I needed this time to digest it myself. Besides, there is a lot of stress going on at church too, because we will be moving into temporary facilities as of next week. Our current building is undergoing some major reconstruction that could take till the end of the year to be completed.
It was a Buddhist organization that met in our building today. They gave me a pamphlet that I have not had time to read yet. When I'm on duty during seminars by religious groups, I usually spend quiet moments at the reception desk in prayer for them to come to know Jesus. I did today as well, but it was harder than usual, as though a huge dark weight were on my chest. It felt like real spiritual warfare, as well as me still dealing with all that stuff from last week. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would pervade that conference room and touch everyone's heart to lead them to discover who Jesus really is, and that HE is the only one who can bring real peace to their lives and to this world. I prayed that the devil's lies would be stopped.
The whole time, though, I was suffering from doubts about whether my behaviour last week had been Christlike or not. Certainly my heart was often filled with anger instead of peace, and still is. Recently I've been reading and meditating on Hosea chapter 2 (an Old Testament book of the Bible), and I feel like the allegorical lady in the wilderness, whom God is calling back to Himself. Though I know that Jesus is the only source of true joy and peace, I feel so far from HIM that I often pray the words from the Evanescence song "Bring Me To Life":
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"Bring Me To Life"
(feat. Paul McCoy)
how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become
now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become
Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life
frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead
all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become
(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)
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That song is so deep that I'm still poring over it. I had heard it before but not paid much attention to the lyrics because I didn't like the music. Just a week or so ago when I was on the treadmill at the gym and there was no one else around (it was just after 6 a.m.), the song came on the radio and I had nothing to do but "tread on" and listen to the text. I was blown away! It is just what I needed for this time! God really is awesome, and I know HE will hear my prayer.
Have a great week!
Ciao,
Renee
